


Life on Moon 13 (or, Jonah Heston’s Miserable Little Kidnapping)

by Dragonsandducks



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: (I apologize to any tag wranglers), Asphyxiation, Backstory, Cambot has no gender, Found Family, Gen, I’m gonna be honest? I’ve seen maybe five episodes but I love this show, Prequel, Robot emotions, and I’m a sucker for found family, and you can’t make me give them one, everyone is OOC because I don’t know a lot about this show, pre-s11, rip jonah heston (whenever - next sunday a.d.), slight angst, some whump but it’s not well written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-16 19:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonsandducks/pseuds/Dragonsandducks
Summary: It’s two months before the first experiment, which gives Jonah plenty of time to adjust to his new life. Turns out the dark side of the moon isn’t as lonely as everyone believes.





	Life on Moon 13 (or, Jonah Heston’s Miserable Little Kidnapping)

Jonah wakes up on a pile of black coils. It’s an uncomfortable sleeping surface, but more importantly, it’s an _unfamiliar_ sleeping surface. The memory of his kidnapping floods back to him, the pain where he was whacked on the back of the head throbbing. 

“Oh, you’re awake! Can you get off of me now?” The voice jars Jonah fully awake. He sits up, sliding off the coils onto the hard metal floor. “Sorry! Didn’t mean to startle you. It’s just that you’ve been sleeping on me for a while, and I was starting to cramp.” Jonah adjusts his glasses and comes face to face with... a robot. 

“Ack!” He stumbles back again, getting tangled in the bot’s coils. “Who— what— _you!_” He points an accusing finger at the bot. “You tricked me! And kidnapped me!”

The bot looks scandalized. “I would never!” she cries. 

“Then— then what am I doing here?” 

Jonah’s head snaps around at the sound of a loud alarm. A button is lighting up on a control panel. “You’d better answer that,” the bot says helpfully. “The mads’ll be mad if you don’t.” 

“Mads?” Jonah asks. He stands anyway, hand hovering over the button before hesitantly pressing down on it. 

“Morning, sunshine!” There’s a woman on the screen. And she has bones in her hair, like a weird Flintstones cosplayer. 

Jonah groans confusedly. “What?” 

She continues like she hasn’t heard him. “Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I am Kinga Forrester, daughter of—“

A much more friendly looking man, dressed as a mad scientist, pops up onscreen. Jonah starts to understand the term ‘mads.’ 

“Hello!” The man chirps. “I am TV’s son of TV’s Frank—“

”Max!” Kinga snaps aggressively. “I am _threatening_. You’re _ruining_ the mood.”

TV’s son of TV’s Frank (Jonah decides to just call him Max) gives her an apologetic smile. “Sorry.” He exits the frame. 

“As I was saying—“

This time, it’s Jonah who interrupts her. “Can I go home now?” 

For a moment, she looks shocked. Jonah almost thinks she’ll say yes. 

Then she bursts into full-on evil laughter. Jonah’s bubble basically explodes. 

“You’re not going home for a long time,” she promises. 

The explanation of her evil plan would fascinate Jonah if that last sentence wasn’t echoing around in his head. 

* * *

Jonah slides to the floor, trying to continue holding back tears once the screen shuts off. His keys are gone. There are no exits. He’s trapped, totally and completely, on the dark side of the moon.

“I didn’t get to introduce myself,” the coiled bot says. “I’m Gypsy.” 

“Jonah,” Jonah manages with a sniffle. He looks up at her, eyes glassy. “She was lying, right? I’m not— I’m going home soon.” His voice breaks. “Aren’t I?” 

Gypsy frowns, looking honestly sympathetic (and Jonah didn’t know robots could do that). 

He stands, tripping over one of Gypsy’s coils immediately. He bends down, inspecting the coils, then looking up at the ceiling. “You know, I could probably move these up there... take up less space,” he says, inventor brain running wild. “And while I’m at it I could fix your vocals...” 

Gypsy beams. “You’d do that?” she asks. Jonah nods. 

“Not like I’ve got anything else to do,” he says. “So,” he begins, standing and taking in the mass of coils across the floor. He looks back to Gypsy. “You have any other friends?”

* * *

Servo and Crow refuse to come out at first. Jonah only catches bits and pieces— “I won’t come out if it isn’t Joel or Mike! No more new guys!” Jonah isn’t sure who Joel is. Or Mike. Gypsy skirts around the subject when he asks.

Eventually, though, after Gypsy’s got her new voice (and relocated coils), they at least come out of their room. Jonah tries to be friendly, walking on eggshells, but they are surprisingly... mean. 

“Yeah, he’s no Joel. Remember Joel?” 

“You think I’d forget Joel? He _built_ us!” (Jonah is immensely curious about this Joel. He built all these bots? Out of _movie theater_ parts?)

”Nah. Joel and Mike were way cooler than him.”

”I can hear you,” Jonah snaps, turning away from where he’s tinkering with pieces of the table.

The gold one (Crow, Gypsy had called him?) does... the equivalent of raising his non-existent eyebrows. “Whoa, new guy’s got some guts in him after all.” Crow steps forward. “Listen, new guy, you don’t get to mouth off to me. We’ve been here way longer than you have. And been through way more bad movies.”

”_Way_ more,” the gumball machine adds. Jonah thinks his name was Servo? 

“Can you at least call me Jonah,” Jonah says, “instead of new guy?” 

Crow narrows his eyes. “When you’ve earned that respect,” he says petulantly. 

Jonah sighs, turning back to his work. The bots exchange glances before Servo speaks. “So when are we getting upgraded?” 

“What?” Jonah asks. 

“You upgraded Gypsy,” Servo points out. “Aren’t you going to upgrade us?” 

Jonah frowns. “I think you’re fine the way you are.” 

“Oh, sure,” Crow says sarcastically. “Yeah, we’re perfect. How convenient that you think that.” 

And now Jonah’s starting to wonder if _this_ is the torture Kinga was talking about. Well, he can deal with this. “Y’know... Servo, it might be easier for you to get around if you could fly.” 

“Yes!” Servo cheers. “Yes, yes, please, yes!” 

Gypsy drops in from the ceiling. “I want you to know that I’m listening to your conversation, and that is going to go _horribly_ wrong.” 

Servo waves her off. “It’ll be fine,” he says.

* * *

It isn’t fine. 

Five minutes after Jonah turns Servo on, new upgrades in place, their room on the satellite is a mess. Three shelves have been knocked over. Blueprints are scattered across the floor. Crow is missing an eye and screaming his head off. Somewhere along the way, Jonah’s glasses have lost a lens. 

“I warned you,” Gypsy says, wrapping a coil around Servo, effectively keeping him from doing any more damage. Jonah slaps his hand around before landing on the lens and popping it back into his glasses. 

Crow continues to scream, until Gypsy wraps a coil around his beak, and then all the noise he can make is a muffled hum.

”Okay,” Jonah says, letting out a sigh, “let’s try this again.” 

* * *

Six more hours and a lot more screaming (from both Crow and Servo) later, Servo’s flight privileges have been limited to the theater, and Crow’s eye is securely back in his head. 

Jonah collapses into the chair at his workbench, reminding himself that he’ll still have to fix those shelves later. 

For now, he’s going to take a nice, long, relaxing, nap—

“Jonah. Jonah. Hey, Jonah. Are you asleep?” 

Jonah doesn’t open his eyes. “Yes, Crow, I am.”

“No you’re not. When am I going to get upgraded?” 

“If you keep bothering me? Never.” 

Crow groans. Gypsy begins to extend a coil to shut him up, but he holds his arm out. “Don’t you dare.” The coil is pulled back into the ceiling. 

Jonah, eyes now open, frowns. “You can’t move your arms very much, can you?” 

“My arms are perfect, thank you!” He tries your cross his arms, but is unable. Jonah’s lips twitch. 

Then he’s laughing. And moments later, sobbing. “What’s happening? Why are you crying?” Crow asks, concerned. 

“I don’t know!” Jonah cries, pulling his knees up onto the chair and wrapping himself into a ball. “It’s just— a lot has been happening.” He sniffs, drying off his face on the sleeve of his jumpsuit. “I guess I’m homesick.” 

Crow, for the first time, looks almost human. “I’m sorry,” he says honestly. “If it makes you feel better, I’m homesick too.” 

“For where?” Jonah asks. “I thought you lived here.” 

Crow scoffs. “For a while. But I was living on Earth up until about a week ago. Servo and Gypsy too. Oh, and Cambot, but I haven’t seen him around yet.” 

“You guys lived on Earth?” Jonah asks, trying to process all the information at once. 

“Yeah. With Mike.” Crow smiles. It’s the first time Jonah’s seen him smile since he arrived. Then Crow’s face falls again. “I hope he’s okay.”

”I’m sure he’s fine,” Jonah says quickly, trying to comfort the sad bot. 

Crow nods. “Thanks,” he says.

The two sit a moment, basking in fond memories of Earth. Then Jonah stands, wiping his eyes. “So,” he says. “Let’s see about those arms of yours.”

* * *

Two weeks after Jonah gives Crow arm movement, Cambot makes their first appearance. 

“Cambot!” Servo cries, rushing forward to greet the small bot. “Where’ve you been?”

Cambot beeps. The other bots nod, understanding him, while Jonah stands off to the side totally lost. 

The bots all laugh. Apparently, Cambot has made a joke. Not that Jonah could understand it. 

“Guys?” The bots all turn to look at Jonah. “What are they _saying_?”

Gypsy just smiles. "Doesn't matter." 

That's about all Jonah gets to learn about Cambot, other than that they film _everything_. It makes Jonah very uncomfortable, but surprisingly (most to himself) he gets used to it pretty quickly. 

Sometimes Jonah wonders if Cambot has footage from previous experiments, but he never works up the nerve to ask. And also never learns enough about how to speak to Cambot. 

There are days when Jonah wonders if anyone on Earth will realize that he’s actually trapped up here, and it isn’t just a TV show. He hopes so. 

He wants to go home. He wants the bots to get back home, too. He just wants to pretend this never happened, that he ignored the distress call, went back to Gizmonics, got rich, and retired at 30. Wouldn't that be nice, not being forced to watch terrible movies in an attempt to drive him insane? 

Guess he can’t always get what he wants. 

* * *

After the first escape attempt, Kinga shuts off his oxygen. “It’s a lesson,” she says, “on why you shouldn’t cross a Forrester.”

Jonah starts to suffocate. It’s agonizingly slow.

”Jonah? Jonah. Don’t die, please,” Crow says as Jonah’s air supply begins to dwindle. 

“Trying my best,” he chokes out. He leans against the wall, trying to remember what to do when you’re losing oxygen. Breathe slower? Or, no, breathe faster? 

Jonah lowers himself to the floor, closing his eyes and trying not to think about how every time he inhales he’s getting closer to death.

Gypsy lowers down from the ceiling. “Is he dead?” she gasps. 

Servo grabs onto his wrist, silent for a moment. “I don’t know how to take a pulse.”

”I’m not dead yet,” Jonah says. Okay, he’s definitely down to the last hundred or so breaths. Gotta make them count.

”Thanks for being my friends,” he says. “It’s been a good run.” 

“No! It hasn’t!” Servo cries. “You haven’t even given me my flight back!” 

“You have it... in the theater,” Jonah says.

”It’s not the same!”

”Servo! Jonah is _dying_!” Crow hisses. 

“All our human friends either die or leave us!” 

“Mike didn’t leave us!” 

“Yet!” 

“Guys!” Gypsy cries. The two bots stop. “Jonah’s almost dead.” 

Crow and Servo turn to face Jonah. His face is starting to turn blue, his breathes becoming more rushed. 

“Jonah!” Servo exclaims. He pushes himself forward, pulling Jonah into a hug. “Don’t leave us!” he sobs. 

“I don’t think he wants this any more than you do,” Crow notes, seeing the terrified expression on Jonah’s face. He pats Servo on the shoulder. “They’ll send someone new up. Don’t worry.” 

Servo sniffs, not letting go of Jonah. “You’re probably right. He’ll just die here, feeling like you don’t love him.” He gives Crow a pointed look.

Crow rolls his eyes. “Fine,” he says. He joins Servo in his embrace. Gypsy completes the hug, her coils wrapping around the trio. 

Jonah’s eyes shift closed, but there’s a soft smile on his face. If he’s going to die, at least he’s surrounded by friends.

Maybe even family.

* * *

But he doesn’t die.

He wakes up ten minutes later. Kinga turned the oxygen back on when he passed out, claiming she “didn’t want to go to the trouble of pulling off another kidnapping.” 

Jonah doesn't argue. Anything that means he won’t die, alone and in space, is pretty okay in his book. 

And besides. He really isn’t alone. 

He’s got family. 


End file.
